Nick Denis – The Ninja Of Love Blog: Surviving the Zombie Horde
Nick “The Ninja of Love” Denis is quite the character. Deadly. Silly. One-of-a-kind. Nick will blog his thoughts about life, love, work, play and, occassionally, fighting. He’ll blog at his leisure, sometimes daily, sometimes weekly, and sometimes twice an hour. Who are we to tell him when to write stuff?
Surviving the Zombie Horde
“Ok, so here is the scenario. You are wherever you are right now, doing whatever you are doing in this moment… from outside your window, your apartment door, whatever, you hear a scream and a soul cringing moan that seems to continue on for what seems like forever… the scream stops… now it’s a plea you hear ‘my god he’s biting me somebody help.’ What do you do?”
This is a fun game me and my girlfriend, Jen, like to play. Sometimes it’s a potential zombie scenario, sometimes it’s a ghost, sometimes its giant dinosaurs, sometimes it’s an invasion from our peaceful neighbours from the south. Either way, we often like to think of hypothetical situations and think how we would react. Let’s go with the one above.
Right now I’m in my apartment, cooking chicken. I’m on the fourth floor, I have no weapons. Of course, there is no reason for me to believe that there is an actual zombie outbreak, so I would be alarmed but not freak out. I would first put on some pants (jogging pants obviously), but not a shirt, grab my iphone and open the door to the hallway to see what was going on. Of course, in these scenarios it’s never just some asshole attacking a woman, it is always a zombie. Much more realistic and interesting. Ok. First thing first, slam the door shut, lock it. Did he see me? No, I don’t think so. Should I flip my chicken over? No, I don’t think I have time to eat just yet. The idea of wasting organic, grain fed, antibiotic/hormone free chicken sucks, but so does becoming a zombie. I have no weapons in my apartment. Grab my wallet, my iphone and charger. I do have a hammer and screwdriver in the apartment, better grab that. Shirt, jacket, shoes. Time to get out of here. I just went to my balcony and surveyed the area. The last thing I want is a twisted ankle or broken whatever, so being a parkour jedi ninja and jumping my way down to the ground isn’t the best idea. I’m going to have to head out the door and take the stairs.
Side note- in most of my scenarios the zombies are slow zombies, because straight up, fast zombies = no chance.
If I can ever just run around and avoid a slow moving zombie, I definitely will. Only if I have to attack it will I do so. I think a good push kick would be best, just to create some space and move around it. Only if I absolutely must, will I get close enough to kill it (right now that means very close with my hammer or screwdriver). My plan right now is first to run to Jen’s place. She lives maybe 400meters away from me. I can run there in no time. At this time in the day she is probably there, or will be there soon from work. My dog is there right now because somebody was supposed to come by today to fix my shower and I didn’t want Ninja (yeah, she’s a bad ass) to give him any trouble. If Jen isn’t home I will spend the time waiting calling Jen, my parents, my brother in order to explain what I see, see what they know, see what is on the news/twitter/facebook/etc, and ask them to call other family members,etc. If I have not seen or heard of any other zombie attacks, I think I would have to just call 911, report what I saw, and that would be in the end of it… but of course that’s not what is happening here, right! At this point I have seen a few other attacks, some general early stage chaos brewing- I have to assume that shit is getting real!
In general, my end goal of any zombie attack is to get as far north as possible. Those brain munchers will freeze in sub-zero weather. The problem is, I don’t have a car. Another problem, I have a family that I <3 heart <3 and have to do my best to take care of them
too. So, my plan would definitely be to try and take a leadership role, try and convince Jen’s mother that we need to get north. Of course, Jen will want her mom and relatives to be safe too, so I will be assuming that she will help me convince her. We have to leave now, before everyone freaks out and the highways become a cluster-love. We pack nothing, just the clothes we are wearing, money, and anything that can be considered as a weapon. My goal would be to drive to Ottawa where by then, my family would be packed and ready to go. Since they had an hour or two to wait, hopefully they can have some basic food/water packed. Now here is the tricky part. After a couple of hours have passed, I’m sure a much larger portion of the public now knows about these pesky zombies. What doth we doeth noweth?
Scenario 1: roads still clear and not much panic, keep driving north forever and ever until it’s cold, then just camp/make do and try to stay alive and fed until things pass over. Make some sort of ‘home base’, whether it’s a campsite, somehow manage to get into an actual home, perhaps a shelter. At that point zombies are no longer a threat, it would be managing with nature, other survivors and scarcity.
Scenario 2: roads are blocked and not possible to drive around. In this scenario I would plan to head to my sister’s (Kim) house. She lives in the sticks, about a 15 minute drive from my parents place. It is all back roads to get there, so I highly doubt at this point that those roads would be blocked up. My goal with setting up shop there would be to survive long enough to wait out the initial public panic/chaos that would be too dangerous to be around. I don’t know how long this would be, but I would guess it would be between a few weeks and a few months. After that initial hysteria plays out, yes the roads would still be left covered in empty parked cars, but the volume of scared, panicked people running around would be far less. Of course, now we would have to deal with, you know, zombies.
During that waiting time would be all about survival. Just eating enough, and staying alive long enough to go out on the road again. Since Kim’s place is in the country, it is a less densely populated area than a city center, so we can assume less zombies would be present. Her land is pretty big in size, has a man-made pond on it, and is covered on all sides by forest, except the side facing the front of the house/property, which faces the road. They have a main house on the property, a smaller guest house on the other side of the pond, and separate garage. I don’t know how difficult it would be, but my first idea to stay alive would be to build a moat. Straight up, dig a 4-5 foot ditch/trench (in height, and width) surrounding the house, and maybe even leading to the pond. Since there is a driveway, that might not be possible. Maybe building it around the guest house would be more possible. I don’t know how long doing that would take, but if we were there for a long period of time, it would be very effective and a great investment. Any zombies wandering into the property would fall into the ditch. They wouldn’t be able to climb out (I assume) and would be easy to kill. We could have a ladder to cross the ditch if we ever need to make runs into town (or raid a neighbors house) for food or supplies. If it was a large undertaking, I think we could manage by making it 3-4 feet deep and 1-2 feet wide, then, once a complete circle was made, we just keep adding to it. I really think this would be a very safe defensive action to take, and much better than any barricade or fence we could build.
Assuming we survived there for a month or two, and encountering zombies somewhat uncommon, I think it would be the right choice to risk heading north. Getting north would be risky. Especially because in this scenario we have quite a large group of people. I’m thinking roughly 20. We would have a few vehicles driving of course. I think there would be a lot of driving until it is no longer possible, due to cars piled up or just abandoned cars in the streets, then walking, staying super alert, until we were able to find a clearing to drive again, and just drive away with the cars left behind on the road. I doubt someone who abandons their car because a zombie is attacking them had the time to take their keys with them. Of course, if we were to ever come across any sort of off-roading transportation, taking that would be great, as we could drive on the shoulders of the roads. This part of the plan would be the riskiest, but I assume we would get into a rhythm and routine, and try and stay as careful and alert as possible. And of course live happily ever after!
Let me know if I have left anything out, have any better ideas? Things I haven’t thought of @theninjaoflove xoxoxo