UFC on FOX: The Absolute Worst-Case Scenario


Isn’t it annoying when a blogger decides to get all Buzz Killington on you in some shameless attempt to drive hits and reach for that elusive “I told you so!” moment in the unlikely event he or she is actually right?

Yes. Yes it is.

Don’t worry folks, I’m not here to crap in anyone’s Corn Flakes. I just thought it might be amusing, on the eve of the UFC’s triumphant debut on network TV, to let the air out of everyone’s tires so to speak. To “take the piss” out of the situation, as Mike Bisping might say (and, you know, other folks from England).

No, I’m not forecasting doom and gloom. No, I don’t think any of what I’m going to say will happen. Still, nothing wrong with a little harmless discussion, right?

And you can be damn sure I’ll be hollering “I told you so!” in the event I’m actually right. It’s tradition, after all.

So without further ado, let’s run down the ways UFC on FOX can go horribly, horribly wrong, starting with:

The Main Event is like Godfather Part 3: Really bad, for a really long time
Wait, what? How could the main event possibly be a dud? This is Cain Velasquez and Junior Dos Santos we’re talking about, here. These guys are gamers! They’re bangers! They’re a whole bunch of other adjectives Mike Goldberg spits out every time Dana White jams a pencil in his back during a PPV broadcast.

How could this fight be boring?

Here’s how: watch Cain Velasquez vs. Cheick Kongo. Now substitute the scary Frenchman with the white glasses for the scary Brazilian with the funny looking ears.

Was Kongo vs. Velasquez a boring fight? Not exactly, but it’s a long way away from the dynamic heavyweight showdown Dana White has promised everyone on Saturday night. If Junior hurts Cain every time he touches him – and if Cain than takes him down and lets it rain pitter-patter punches as a result – the UFC could have its own version of Shields vs. Hendo on network TV.

The Main Event is like Return of the King: It Doesn’t F*cking End
Disqualification. Doctor’s stoppage. A throwing in of the towel. A split draw. A double KO. A freak magnetic storm. Stone Cold Steve Austin running down to the cage and hitting everyone with a steel chair. You name it.

If this fight doesn’t have an ending – and by that, I mean one man clearly and cleanly besting the other for the UFC Heavyweight championship – than heads are damn sure going to roll.

Just imagine it. We go from the cheesy epicness of this to another draw, or eye poke-induced doctor’s stoppage, or even…parish the thought…a “Cecil Peoples” style decision from the judges.

I think only the Mayhem vs. all of Stockton brawl, or the infamous “Kimbo Slice vs. the life form on James Thompson’s ear” fight would measure up to such an event on the “clusterf*ck-o-meter”.

Someone gets injured last minute/Someone doesn’t make weight
The only thing worse than a dud or “screwy” main event is no main event at all.

Just picture it: Cain Velasquez, coming off a bad shoulder tear, re-aggravates his injury during a last minute training session. Or Junior Dos Santos can’t make weight while carrying the hopes and dreams of his entire impoverished nation on his back (hey, I’m just going by what they said on “Primetime”!).

Just like that, UFC on FOX has no main event. Months of promotional work, flushed down the toilet. Nothing to do but bite the bullet…or give Kimbo a call, and see if MMA fans really ARE that shallow.

Mike Goldberg comes down with a last minute flu
Wait, this is supposed to be worst-case scenarios. Oops, my mistake folks.

Someone pulls a Brock
Let’s take a minute to flashback to UFC 100, and Brock lesnar’s infamous post-fight “interview”.

Now let’s take another minute to allow hardcore fans to swallow the lump that just formed in their throats, and get their blood pressure under control.

An outburst like that on network TV – a lewd, loud “get on my wife, screw Bud Light!” disaster – would be the death knell of this sport. Or something else really ominous sounding.

Am I saying either Cain or Junior is capable of “pulling a Brock”? No, but this is supposed to be the worst-cast scenario, isn’t it?

The barnburner fight between Ben Henderson and Clay Guida for some ridiculous reason doesn’t make the network broadcast after being billed as a #1 contenders match
Wait, this is actually happening? Wow, that’s terrible. Bendo should stop praying to Jesus and start praying to the network TV Gods, cause he’s getting shafted here big time. Maybe the bigwigs at FOX weren’t comfortable with Guida’s outrageous caveman burps between rounds.

They cut to Bantamweight champ Dominick Cruz, and someone actually recognizes him
God bless “The Dominator”, but if his smiling visage draws even a lick of fan reaction it’s time to break out your asbestos rain coat and start scanning the skies for 4 PO’ed horsemen.

Hearing “Brock is still the best!” from your casual fan buddy no matter who wins
Like rain, death, and taxes, this “worst-case scenario” is a certainty. Sorry. And don’t bother responding with facts. Like punching The Hulk in the balls, it’s only going to make your situation worse.

Mexican and Mexican-American fans DON’T accept Cain Velasquez as the next coming of Latino-Jesus
You hear that sound? That’s the sound of Dana’s pocketbook crying.

Floyd Mayweather climbs in the ring after Pac/Marquez III and challenges Pac-Man to the biggest boxing match ever…after Pac gets absolutely crushed in under a round.
They see me trollin’. They hatin’.

Ok folks, like a 65 year old man who’s spent the last 2 minutes having sex: I’m spent. If you got any more ideas, well hit a brotha up in the comments section!

And remember kids, stay positive. Life’s not that bad. Even if the main event sucks or the production is cheesy or Goldberg hyperbolizes so badly his goatee’d head explodes…well…Kid Yamamoto might actually get a win Saturday night!

14 Responses to “ UFC on FOX: The Absolute Worst-Case Scenario ”

  1. mike kent says:

    while elton is a great writer you can only gloat after a impressive prediction if you pick 1 thing happening not every possible thing that could happen except it being a great fight lol , none the less a entertaining read

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  2. BigBoi says:

    Frankly I think this event has ‘bad’ written all over it and I’m not talking bad in the way you mean when you accidentally buy the wrong tooth paste but bad in the “Honey, Michael Jackson is on the phone and wants Timmy to come over for a sleepover” type bad. Sorry was that too early?

    There are two ways this ends well and a myriad of ways it ends badly for Dana and Zuffa. The two best ways for this to end are:

    – A definitive and clearly understood finish (note: not some obscure submission that looks all to familiar to the knuckle dragging WWE crowd who will then start in with the “Well the Undertaker does that exact submission….” crap.) wherein it is clear to even the dumbest of Fox viewers that fighter A defeated fighter B.

    – A spirited and engaging five round tilt where neither fighter shows a significant advantage, there is not significant amounts of blood letting and there is continual action. One fighter is given a decision win and both fighters hug and show respect in the end.

    Frankly the second option is probably what Dana is hoping for more than anything else. This will once and for all show that MMA is head and shoulders above boxing from an entertainment perspective but also from a sportsmanship level. Both very critical when it comes to getting the people who don’t watch MMA (you know the other 75% of the population) at least accepting that this is a sport.

    Given that it is Cain and Junior in the ring that night it is entirely possible that this could happen. Both are very gifted and smart fighters who have always shown high levels of class in and out of the ring.

    What could hurt this on Saturday is if the UFC has a couple of ‘bloody’ fights early on and the first image Myrtle P. Everybody sees when she glances at her TV is not the site of two half naked men in a ring but rather a cage that resembles an abattoir. Keep in mind this is still a new sport and public acceptance is 99% of the reason for this TV deal. If the UFC didn’t care about public acceptance they’d have thrown this on a PPV and been done with it.

    My greatest fear is that this fight ends in a body twitching, blood soaked and testosterone ruled violent fashion and the naysayers will be permitted to once again decry MMA as human cock fighting.

    B to the Bigglesworth.

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  3. BigBoi says:

    Biggie’s comments are now subject to moderation?!? What the hank?

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  4. Robin Black says:

    Mike Kent’s brain must be feeling good. Great news
    Mike we love ya! :)

    Mike, great points ya made me smile.

    Great to see you’re feeling better man. Wishin ya all the best.

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  5. Sorry Biggie B. cockfighting got ‘cock’ blocked.

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  6. mike kent says:

    thanks robin , lol starting to come around ! got released from the hospital monday and am on bed rest for a few weeks! had a procedure on my back done to stop the cerebral fluid that surround your brain from leaking, should have taken alot better care of myself and been proactive instead of being bed ridden now. As stupid as it sounds i always brushed off things like light headedness and bad headaches as part of hard training and never took concussions as serious as i should have , having your brain bruised and fluid leaking from your spine will change your thought process . i wont be able to even consider any training till new years but i have a feeling ill be back slowly but surely. i love competing too much to write it off completly . peoples well wishes on here really meant alot. i even think i may be nicer to people on here – except JANA lol jk jana too

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  7. Robin Black says:

    Ha Ha just glad to hear you’re feelin better. Everyone hates to see the warriors hurt.

    Feel better and better man

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  8. BigBoi says:

    Wow. Could have been worse I could have talked about cocksparring or my cocksparrow or even my cockatoo….

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  9. Damn…you are making me work tonight BiggieB

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  10. Darren Owen says:

    You forgot shuttlecock.

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  11. BigBoi says:

    What the H E double hockey sticks is a cocksparrow anyways?

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  12. harry balls says:

    And cocksure. Which I am less and less of these days….

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  13. beefstorm says:

    scrabble i win!!!

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  14. BigBoi says:

    Well they got the first of the two options.

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